Your cashier thinks you're stupid

Hi there Consumertards!

It's me... you may not know me but believe it or not, we see each other every day. You know, pretty much every time you leave the house to go about your mundane lives and run your inane little errands?

Still drawing up a blank?

Mkay... lets see if I can help you with that...

Remember that time when you were chatting away on your cute little cell phone about pointless tripe and you couldn't help but be a little distracted by strange electronic beeping noises and the sound of someone (repeatedly) telling you your total is $28.45?

Yeeeah that's right, you're catching on, I can see the glimmer of something close to recognition dawning in your clouded glossy little eyes.

I'll give you a few seconds...

3

2

1

DING DING DING!!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!

Yes indeed! It's your cashier...

Oh don't worry I'm not offended that you don't remember me. After all you rarely make eye contact anyway, unless of course you're waiting on a line with more than two people ahead of you, and in your desperation you have no choice but to seek out the closest 'retaily-looking' person to just please please ring you up so you can get out of here and go about your merry little way with your two pack of sharpies and bag of skittles in tow.

My name? Oh you don't have to worry about my name. But if you'll insist, let's just go with Shaye... Why Shaye? Because 'Meat Popsicle' and 'Fuck My Life' were already taken.

Oops my dear, excuse me, I do believe I've dropped the F-bomb. My bad on that one; of course you should feel fortunate I cracked that one out early, if more of us let a nice 'Fuck!' go once in a while the rate of homicide would be dramatically lower...

Ah but I digress...

We're not here to talk about me... The real reason we're here is so that I may help YOU. My sole purpose for this 'CSA' (Consumer Service Announcement) is so that I can help make you, the consumer, a little less of a douche every day.

This is sure to be a long and grueling process as the roots of douchey(ness) indeed runs deep among you. But do not despair dear consumer, With a little time, patience and care I'll having you acting like a human being without fail!

I understand that you may be feeling somewhat overwhelmed right now, what with discovering that cashiers actually possess more phrases in their vocabulary other than 'Will that be Debit or Credit?'

Yes I know it's wild aint it!?

Still, as overwhelmed as you may be I think the time is ripe to open your mind to the very first lesson at being a well behaved consumer.

So without Further Ado here it is...

Lesson 1: YOU are NOT witty

This may be a hard pill to swallow here, but believe it or not, 95% of your 'register banter' is not witty, funny, or for that matter even original. In fact, that oh so cute little joke you just said will be repeated by 8 out of 10 other customers.

Impossible you say? Well alright Let's try a little role play...

Scenario 1
You see an open register and a Cashier is free with no other customers in sight. He/She may be slightly straightening up the area, taking a sip of water, or maybe even standing stationary to take little breather. You approach the cashier and say...

1) You Look Bored (insert shit-eatin' grin)

2) You look like you need something to do (Insert self satisfied chuckle here)

3) You look lonely. (Insert Satan Smile here)

4) Were you waiting for me? (Insert Mega-Satan Smile here. Cause plain ole' Satan's a pussy)

Stop! If you have ever uttered any of the above statements or anything like them you are a prime candidate for the consumer rehabilitation program.

Thinking to yourself... 'Pah! I've never said anything like that!

Well hold your horses there cowbell... (we need more cowbell)

I'm not done yet.

Scenario 2

No matter how many times the cashier runs the barcode or even types in the SKU the damn thing refuses to ring up. You, thinking that you are ever so witty say...

'If it won't scan it must be free! lol I so clever har har har' (okay maybe not the last part but you know damn well what I'm talking about.)

I know these little comments don't seem like all that much of a big deal to you, and in truth they're really not, when taken alone, it isn't so bad... Perhaps it might even inspire a giggle or two out of the naive, new cashier that has only been working a week...

But we all know that these comments never come alone now do they?

Oh no... They come in droves, by the boatload they breach the shores of the cashier's delicate psyche and tramples upon their very souls with every repeated utterance and every earnest look from the witless consumer that screams 'Hey I made a funny! Aint I clever!? Laugh with me! I'm funny! Yes? Yes?"

No...

No you're not, nor was the guy before you, or the next three people after you who will repeat the same exact fucking thing! God do you even listen to yourself when you speak? If you happen to go to more than one retailer in one day and the same situations present itself, do you catch yourself repeating the same lame ass thoughtless 'jokes' to yet another poor undeserving retail associate? OR are you really that unconscious to the drivel that spews from your mouth.

No it wouldn't be a big deal if you really were that clever and really did have something to say worth hearing... But the truth is, you don't. And with every stupid utterance of 'oh it must be free!' just a small part of that cashier's soul is horrifically murdered.. by a dull rusted vinegar laced spatula.

SO listen up! The next time you get that little itching urge to spill your Phonetic Diarrhea, stop and think about it... no... actually...

Think about a poor half starved orphan with huge brown eyes and wan pale skin, gazing hopefully up towards an unseen horizon, a sweet but just as unfortunate golden lab puppy is nestled close to the child's side for warmth and support, it too is gazing up with big heartbreaking brown eyes and gives a little whimper...

Now imagine them both drowning in a sea of thick steaming SHIT.

That shit is the very same shit that came out of your mouth...

congratulations you've just killed a puppy and an orphan... way to fuckin go.

And all you had to do to prevent their tragic and untimely demise was shut the fuck up and not say anything stupid...

hope it was worth it.

Oh but my dear consumer I am not without a sense of reconcile; not one to leave you in the dark with the naught but the knowledge of your own doucheyness... Like I said, I'm here to help you... to teach you a better way...

So... when you see a cashier all by their lonesome who may very well look bored, who may certainly be without a customer in sight... Do not try and be clever...

You'll fail...

hard.

Simply give a benign greeting... Like "Hello" or "Hi, would you be able to ring me up?"

See? how easily those flow and how they're much less forced? That's because they bear actual relevance, and don't come with the weight of that humorless moment you have inflicted on yourself and the cashier.

And if you find the cashier is having difficulty getting some item to scan... Say any fucking thing but 'it must be free' This is a time where you actually CAN try for some humor... but by god don't say those dreaded words... that's not humor, that's a cop-out. It's nothing but a cheap and witless aside no doubt to be repeated by at least three more people before the day is out. Just... don't fucking do it...

If you find yourself struggling to come up with something to say in this moment... I have a solution...

Don't Say ANYTHING!

An insane concept I know but it really isn't that hard...

I believe there is something in the human psyche, perhaps in the collective unconsciousness that has many people (especially those in American society) obsessed with filling gaps of silence with noise... be it humming, whistling, or useless comments that has no educational value, no humor and no meaning.

Stop being afraid of the silence, we know you're alive and breathing, you don't have to fill the emptiness okay? Just fuckin relax...

And that's really what this first lesson is all about...

Relax, just be you and stop trying to be witty... cause most likely if you have to try?

Uh...yeah chances are, you're not.

So with these parting thoughts I must leave you for now...

Just remember this...

Phonetic Diarrhea kills puppies and orphans...

Only YOU can prevent puppy-orphancide.